in lieu of sleep

Time: In typical Megan fashion, I’m writing this at 2:36 a.m. and I have a major test tomorrow that I should have spent this evening studying for. But sometimes, life happens and I’m irresponsible and I do things other than study because honestly there’s more to life than that. Even though I don’t think I’m allowed to say that… yikes.

Reason why it’s imperative that I do this right now instead of curling up in my bed and going to sleep: tonight is a night that I probably won’t forget for a long time, and it’s the first night of its kind in Knoxville. So, I want to document it before I forget it and so that I can clear my mind and sleep peacefully in a little while.

My last post was about how perfect life in Knoxville is and the blessings that have been poured out upon me. All of those things are still true and for them I am still grateful, but my honeymoon stage or whatever with Knox has worn off with the onset of schoolwork and real responsibility and the past few weeks haven’t been quite as smooth and peaceful. The summer is a time of relative freedom and typically for me, a time of self-exploration and growth on an individual basis, but that didn’t really happen for me this time for whatever reason. I was fine. I just didn’t see a lot of growth. That might have been because I knew that everything was about to change anyway, and what was coming for me wasn’t something I could foresee, so I just didn’t do a lot of thinking because it seemed unnecessary. BUT fear not, because I’ve made up for that lack of thought in the past several weeks.

Typically, I’m not a very self-conscious person. I mean, I have my battles – we all do – but they don’t usually consume me. I know I’ve mentioned that in a former blog post so if you’ve seen Slass Glippers, this is a repeat. Sorry. Continuing. I’ve been blessed with that peace, and I’m grateful for it daily because I know that’s not something everyone is given. I also know that sometimes we’re most grateful for something in the absence of it. I’m most grateful for my family when I’m not with them every day. I’m most grateful for the chance to get an education and for enjoying the process of getting it when I’m not actually in school. This may just be a case of the grass being greener on the other side, but maybe not. I don’t know. Whatever. I’ve lately been grateful for the general peace I’ve been given about self-worth for most of my life, because recently it’s hidden itself from me. I’m regularly annoyed at myself for something these days. Sometimes it’s something I said and I don’t know why I said it; sometimes it’s for not studying as much as I should and telling myself it’s because I’m unmotivated and ungrateful, when really like every single college student does that at times. It’s part of it. Sometimes I’m annoyed at the way I feel about something and I think that I’m being ridiculous and need to get a grip on life and I think at the end of the day I’m expecting perfection from myself when it’s not something I can even come close to attaining. I’m messed up. I have baggage. And one thing that I’ve really come to realize in my month and a half here is that no amount of distance takes away the baggage. On a plane, the baggage isn’t visible, but it’s going with you. So it is with life. I can hide things from myself and I can not deal with them for as long as I want to, but at some point, I have to come back down to earth, get my baggage, and go claim it. Right now, I’m trying to navigate the maze that is baggage claim. How do I deal with problems I have? How do I let them go? How do I think about things that have been said that sting and will probably forever sting without letting them affect the way I go on with my life? How do I accept that events in our life happen and there is no rewind button that will magically undo things I don’t want to deal with? How do I let people in and trust them with my baggage when experience has taught me that I can’t trust everyone I know with those things? And really, ultimately, how do you trust Jesus with the places of your heart where you aren’t even willing to go?

That’s a question I asked my friend Megan tonight at Cookout….. where I decided it would be a good idea to go at midnight the night before a big test. And the drive thru wasn’t good enough. We needed to go in and sit down and talk and do all the things I probably shouldn’t have done right then, but I did them anyways. I asked Megan some of those questions and we talked about how a lot of the time, the baggage seems too much to bear and the hill too steep to climb, but really it usually looks that way when we’re trying to do it alone. I believe that we were made for relationship – with other people and with God. We live in a generation and a nation where everyone wants to do things for themselves. We say we’re fine when we’re not, and there’s a time and a place for everything and maybe in passing when I ask you how you are, it’s not the most appropriate time to completely spill your guts for all of Pedestrian Walkway to hear in the 5 second span when we’re crossing paths. But really like we have battles, and we ignore them for the sake of comfort. We like to deal with our messes on our own. But like babies, sometimes we’re playing in our own messes and don’t even realize we’re making a bigger one and definitely don’t know where to start cleaning up. There is a time and a place for comfort and there is a time and a place for weeping and a time and a place for trusting and a time and a place for honesty. Like when we give prayer requests about our upcoming tests, which yes, other people care about because we care about what is on the hearts and minds of our friends, but really like when I ask that question, what I’m asking you is for you to share what’s on your heart so that I can walk through that with you somehow, so that we can do this together, because that’s what we were made for. I know sometimes that’s too much to ask based on the extent of a relationship I have with you and I’m not trying to get all up in everyone’s business so like I get that, but just in general you know what I mean.

We’ve been talking about unity in the Body of Christ seemingly everywhere I go lately. Really, it’s something that I’ve never paid that much attention to because I just haven’t. I don’t know. But like we talked about it at church last week and then again I think the week before that and then again tonight and it’s everywhere right now. Okay. Here’s my mental image right now: I was at church Sunday morning and then again Monday evening and both times, worship felt different than it has in a really long time. I really earnestly strive to worship through song with a clear mind and a clear heart but it usually gets polluted with something at some point or another and then I remember what I’m supposed to be doing and this cycle rolls on a couple of times and I end up singing songs but not really worshipping. So Sunday morning, I was standing at Fellowship and I think we were singing “Revelation Song” and I remember thinking something along the lines of “wow, Megan, like do you not know how to sing whatsoever? Your voice is pathetic and you’re gonna make Sarah’s ears bleed” or something really encouraging like that. And then it clicked for the first time in so long and I mentally took a step back (I have a brain that works off images so bear with me as I try to draw this out for you). I may have actually physically taken a step back too because I remember feeling like I was in a straight line with the people next to me, but I stopped listening to myself sing and listened to the congregation instead. And what I heard was a room of like a thousand people or something singing the same song in unison seriously so beautifully, which is interesting because I know most of the people are like me and are not Alicia Keys and cannot sing very well… so how do a bunch of off-tune vocal amateurs sound like a hand-picked choir? Because worship at the feet of Jesus is always, always, always beautiful. Always. And it’s not contingent upon our singing abilities or anything that we have to offer up ourselves. Megan and I talked about this tonight. Even if it’s not us singing with our voices, something sings. Creation sings. Birds sing, wind blows, and crickets chirp. Rain falls and whales call. Tides roll and leaves rustle. Donkeys stomp and dogs howl. Lions roar and frogs croak. Like I could name every animal on the ark and they would all by nature worship the God of the universe in some form. It’s built into the blueprint of life. Creation will praise God because He is worthy to be praised and because He is Lord of all. Like literally. He Lords over all things and all things praise him in some way. And humans, though sinners, participate (If you've never seen the Louie Giglio video of him doing a mashup of stars and whales, it sounds weird but it will give you goosebumps if you have 15 minutes one day to spend watching this). The words that we sing in worship are beautiful to the ears of the Lord, even when they aren’t to me. And good news: this ultimately isn’t about me. I'm part of a much bigger picture.

This comes full circle. I promise. I’m part of a bigger picture. A unified Body, even though I’m still trying to figure out what that even means and looks like. My problems that I’ve been dealing with happen for a reason. First of all, the stuff I have from my past exists and isn’t going to un-exist. So there are places deep down in my heart that need to be opened and emptied and I have a feeling that Jesus is starting to crack open those doors which is scary. But it’s something that I’m willing to do because knowing Him in those deep, dark places is so much sweeter of an idea than knowing bitterness, fear, and pain. They’re things I can’t handle on my own, so I haven’t handled them. But they’re things that I need to deal with, and I wouldn’t have come to the point of being somewhat ready to deal with them if I had been content over the past few weeks with myself. So, I understand why I haven’t been at ease now. Even though it’s really kinda super scary. But I know that I have friends like Megan and like Sarah and like Jess and like so many other people around me that want to walk through hard times and happy times with me, and they want to do that because they love Jesus. Really, like I’m not used to being surrounded by people who want to bear each other’s burdens like I am right now. I didn’t know that was really a thing that people do. But apparently it is, and for them I am thankful. And I’m thankful for a God who knows that even when we have the best of friends around us, we need Him and His perfect love to get through life, so He sends us the Holy Spirit to be with us always. At night, in the day, in the morning, at noon, at dusk, when we’re asleep, when we’re awake, when we’re happy, when we’re crying, when we’re alone, when we’re with company. The Spirit is always, always there.. Like what? ….okay I just paused for like a solid three minutes or something trying to think of other things to say about that but I have nothing. It’s beyond me. The Lord provides even when we don’t see His provision or make use of it. He is constant because He loves with an everlasting love. Blows my mind.

So I’m thankful. I’m thankful for a God of provision and love and consistency and holiness and peace and knowledge and all the things that He embodies because He gives life and He makes it worth living and worth living well. I’m thankful for friends who love with a challenging love and who are willing to seek and find the dark places, because those are the kinds of friends that leave a mark. I’m thankful for nights like tonight where I could sit and laugh and cry (no one else was at Cookout then.. I couldn’t help it) and have goosebumps and work through life’s challenges with Megan (because she rocks and I don't even think I knew her like 3 weeks ago but now I do and that's yay). We talked about hard things tonight. We talked about loss of loved ones.. my grandfather specifically. Like I told her all about how he was sick and then what happened when he passed away and how the family dealt with his passing and how he was a rockstar through all the sickness and all the pain and how he stayed around in order to make sure my grandmother made it home safely from the hospital and how he would never give up and would never say that he was less than okay because he was the Hinson family patriarch and he was a leader. And I told her about how his passing and the timing of it led to me befriending Bekah and later Steven (both of whom I cherish) and we talked about how out of darkness comes light and this went on for like 10 minutes and I tried to hold myself together and then I checked my phone for the time and saw that it is September 26. 5 years since the day my Papa went to be with the Lord and I didn’t even realize that like September 26 comes after September 25 or something because I didn’t expect it to be today and it caught me off guard. So why did this conversation happen in the middle of the night the first time I've dealt with his passing in probably 6 months? I don't know. But I know that he is healthy now and that he is eternally happy and I can have peace because the Lord gives me that peace. And I can be proud of the life he lived. And I can be proud of my grandmother for all that she’s overcome through it all and for her seeking the face of Jesus in the darkest of times. And I can say thanks for health on my mom’s side of the family where my granddad came home from the hospital today with a healthy heart because of the work of medicine and I can know that I have a family that loves me and loves my God. And I can go take a two hour name and get up and take a shower and go to class and take this test and go to Bible study and go to dinner and go to Cru and go home to watch Grey’s and know that even when life is hard and even when I’m acutely aware of my imperfections, I serve a God who provides. And because of Him, I can joyfully go through my day, knowing that I am never alone.

What else can I really ask for?